A Letter to Heaven

At Tiny Purpose last month we were encouraged to write a letter to our baby or babies in heaven. I was resistant at first, but when I started writing, the ink just flowed from my ball point pen. It is like my heart knew exactly what it wanted to say. As my hand moved across the page so effortlessly, my heart just poured out on paper. It's funny how I can write the words on paper with a smile on my face, but when I read the letter out loud, my voice cracked, my chest was tight, and I had to wipe back tears.

I am sharing this with you so you can see that I am in a good place. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Denton and Quinton in some way. I may tell people verbally that I have 2 children, but in my head and heart, I have 4. I just don't feel like explaining it at times and I am sure they would understand. Some days are harder, some days are easy. Some days I cry, some days I smile.

Denton & Quinton

Can you believe that it has been almost 4 years since I held you in my arms? I think of you daily. Sometimes I am sad and I fight back the tears, other times I smile because you are up in heaven. Speaking of heaven, say hello to your angel friends for me. I am sure you have met them. Aunt Sara, Auntie Sam and many of my friends all have angel babies up there. I’m sure you play together daily, just like your Auntie’s and I do down here.

When I think of you I picture you looking like your older brother, Shane. The tiniest details such as a crooked pinky finger, a unibrow that needs waxed, and the most beautiful complexion with dark skin, all of which I was able to identify on you Denton. Quinton – How does it feel to dance around on your brand new feet that have all your toes, hug people with your perfect arms, see Jesus with your new eyes, and love with the heart God had waiting for you in heaven upon your arrival? I can’t wait to see you as a whole person.

I also want to thank you. Because of you I have been able to meet some pretty amazing people. People who have angels up there with you.  I am positive you know who they are. Just so you know, their moms are just as amazing as their babies are. These moms are some of the strongest women I have been blessed to know.  Thank you for teaching me how to love. Truly love, deeply, passionately, and in the moment. 

I know this may sound odd, but thank you for Sophie. I am sure you and God talk about her often. Maybe He even lets you take part in the amazing plans He has for her. They have to be big plans because of everything your sister has had to endure. Not that it is any surprise to you, but God was faithful in the healing of your sister’s heart! Quinton and Sophie have that in common! If you get the chance, tell God that all I want for Sophie’s birthday is for her to crawl!

In closing know that you are loved. You were wanted, and still wanted. I would give the world to hold you one more time Denton, and for the first time Quinton. Goodbye for now, not forever!

Love,

Mommy

I Won't Let Go

As parents I believe there are so many things that we are supposed to teach our children and things our children are supposed to teach us that goes beyond the birds and the bees, beyond tying their shoes. They are the things that make us good people, things that make waking up every day worth it.

 With Shane I am able to see glimpses of hope that we are doing the right thing when he opens the door for someone, or when we see him be kind to another person. I have confirmation from other parents that Shane is a fantastic boy, so respectful, and well behaved. Those are the moments I don't want to let go of. Those are the times that I have a smile on my face and on the inside I am giving high fives to my husband and myself because, yes, we are doing the right things. Yes, Shane is going to be a terror at home sometimes. He is going to get in trouble at school and at home. We struggle with him making poor decisions, but isn't that what living and learning is all about? The growing pains that lets us know we are human?

With Sophie, it is different. I can try to teach her everything I know about life, but unlike Shane, I won't have that same confirmation with Sophie that she gets it. With Sophie the teaching will be more systematic, ordered (not my favorite way to do things), well planned. We will have to do things over and over with her, just so she learns how to do it. Will Sophie ever learn to tie her shoes? I don't have the answer to that. What I can say though is that I won't stop trying. Will I get to see my daughter grow in to this beautiful person, a person that cares about the world she lives in, and the people she shares the planet with? Yes, I will be able to see her grow in to a beautiful woman, but I may not be able to see the tell tale signs like I can with Shane.

In this life there the only 2 things I want my kids to not only know, but to fully understand and never forget. First and foremost, Shane and Sophie, you will always be loved. There is nothing you can do to make your father and I not love you. You can try, and I am sure you will try, but our loves remains constant. Shane has asked me on several occasions when he has done something less than satisfactory or he knows he really messed up, if I still love him. The answer is always the same, Yes! I believe that this is the most important for my kids to understand.

The 2nd is expressed in these song lyrics. I can't listen to this song without tearing up. For Shane, there are going to be times he doesn't want me to fight his fights. With Sophie, I am always going to have to fight her fights. But I promise you, I Won't Let Go!

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I wont let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont
Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go Lyrics