Sophie had her 4 month check up at Dr. Butto's on Tuesday. He has been watching her left pulmonary artery for a year now. It has been a little narrow but he always gave us hope saying that she could grow out of it. Well, on Tuesday he told Dan that he will see her in 4 months and at that time he is going to want to schedule a procedure to get a better look. Let me interpret what he is saying here: "I want to do another heart cath so I can decide if a balloon procedure will work to open the artery, or if I have to result to worst case scenario and put a stent in, which I don't want to do because as Sophie grows the stent will have to be replaced."
Did your heart just sink? Mine sure did when Dan was telling me. We were headed to dinner and I was asking him how the appointment went. I honestly had such joy in my heart and voice when I was asking because I was expecting him to tell me that everything was perfect. That Sophie's artery didn't need any attention. Then it hit me. I won't say like a ton of bricks because it was more than that. The weight of his words totally crushed my heart. My breathing started to increase and I was fighting back tears because Shane was in the back seat and up until this point, we haven't shared any of this with him because we. I believed everything was going to turn out differently. The look in Shane's eyes hurt me almost just as much. I could see the worry in his eyes for his sister. I had to suck up what I was feeling and explain to Shane that everything was going to be ok, that this wasn't serious. All of it lies because I didn't know in that moment if I believed my own words. That is what it was, just words, empty words so I could take the fear away from my son that he had for his sister. The love he has for her is indescribable.
That night I sent a text to my mom, a friend of mine and my Pastor. I told them all what was going on. All three of them had expected different results as well. As best as they could they tried to encourage me and on the other end I had tears running down my face. As I was reading their words I just felt empty. I didn't feel as if their words held any value or any promise to them. I was choosing not to trust my God because I felt He had let me down.
The next day I called my dad because I wanted to share with him about the approval we had received for Sophie's bath seat....finally I might add. I was sharing that with him and then told him about the appointment. Again, I cried. I didn't know how to stop the tears. As my dad's voice cracked from him holding back his own tears, I felt comforted. I was comforted by my earthly father, but I still wasn't allowing myself to be comforted by my heavenly one. My dad told me to keep believing and to not give up. He knows better than that, he didn't help raise a quitter. Both of my parents raised me better than to quit....at anything worth fighting for. Sophie's healing is worth fighting for.
I ended the conversation with my dad to go inside to make dinner. As I am cooking he sends me a text telling me to check my email and to let him know what I thought. Curiosity always gets me and I just can't not check my email at that moment, even though I was busy. I opened my email to see my dad's email and the subject line simply read "Devotional". Not something I really wanted to be doing because I was still feeling let down by God. I opened the devotional anyways and this is what it said:
Stay the Course
Today's Scripture:
Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’ Isaiah 30:21, NIV.
Today's Word:
God has put a promise inside each and every one of us. Oftentimes, we
have to go through the wilderness before we reach our promised land.
Oftentimes, like Joseph, we feel like we are in a pit long before we
ever see the palace. Maybe you’re in a season right now where you don’t
see anything happening. You think, “I’ve been praying and believing for a
year, five years, ten years. It’s never going to work out.”
No, be encouraged today. Stay the course. Keep believing. You may be tired, discouraged and tempted to be frustrated, but don’t give up on your future. Stay on the high road. Our God is a faithful God. It may be taking a long time, but what He started He will finish in your life. Scripture says the eyes of the Lord search to and fro to find someone who will be faithful on His behalf. Be the person He finds faithful. Keep believing, keep praying, keep obeying and stay the course because He is leading you in the path of victory!
Prayer for Today:
Father, thank You for leading and guiding me in paths of
righteousness for Your name’s sake. I choose to trust even when I don’t
understand. I choose to believe that You are working behind the scenes
for my good. I will stay the course knowing that You have blessing and
victory in store for me in Jesus’ name. Amen.I sent my dad a text back asking him if it was the devotional that he had received for that day and he said yes. I was in disbelief. All of the abandonment that I had been feeling for the past 2 days disappeared. I chose to let it go and keep believing....again, that Sophie was going to be healed. I let the doubt that had crept in, creep back out and I chose to start fresh right there in my kitchen.
Pastor Joe said it best,"We will take that as an opportunity to pray specifically for that everyday for the next four months." I am asking all of you to join us in prayer, every single day for the next four months that Sophie's left pulmonary artery is going to be completely healed and there won't be a need for another heart cath. In Jesus name, Amen!
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