Monday night I was blessed sit in a room with the bravest men and women I have ever met. Moms and dads that are able to take their pain of losing a child and be transparent in the midst of strangers. Moms and dads who have taken their darkest days and turned them in to shining beacons of hope. As I was sitting there listening to and sharing with other families on our losses, I was able to learn quite a bit about what I should have done to help me through the grieving process. I believe that I did a lot of work to accomplish the healing that has taken place. I still hurt, I miss my sons ever single day, and there are times that I am really sad. Most days though are normal days going through the motions of life. Only those who has experienced such pain can experience the joy that comes in the morning! A woman that I consider a friend of mine shared a letter that she wrote to her family after the loss of her baby. I was amazed at her strength and that is what has prompted this post today. This may be 4.5 years too late, but this is what I wish I would have said to friends and family after the loss of Denton and Quinton.
Dear Friends and Family that I love so much. As you know the loss of Denton and Quinton has been extremely hard on me, on us. As we are trying to process everything I pray that you will be patient with us. Not only are we dealing with the loss of our two sons, we are also trying to help our older son grieve the loss of his mother at the same time. I guess what I am trying to say is that we have a lot on our plate right now and we need time. Time to grieve in the ways that we want and need to grieve, time to be selfish, time to avoid other people that are having babies, and time just for ourselves. Individually, as husband and wife, and as parents of a living son and parents of twins that died.
I want to take this opportunity to share with you how I am feeling and this may help you when you are dealing with me on a regular basis. First, I am not the same Ashley that I was on June 1st. June 1st changed my life when I was told I was not pregnant with one baby, but two and that one of them wasn't developing. Then June 2nd came, and it changed my life again. Never in a million years did I ever think that I was going to be asked to have an abortion, by a doctor at that! Never did I think that I was going to have to pick one baby over the other. Then June 7th came, and once again my life changed. My body decided that it was time to have my babies, although my babies weren't ready to be born. I felt like my life was over at the very moment my water broke and I knew Denton and Quinton were coming, no matter what. Then June 8th came and so did the boys. My boys were born and died on June 8th and part of me died right along with them. As you can see, my life was turned up side down within a week's time frame. As you can see, I didn't have a lot of time to process it during that week, so now I am asking that you grant me this time to process and grieve.
Along with time, I am asking that you be kind to us. Be kind with your words, your thoughts, and your expectations. You may be wondering what I am meaning by this, so here it goes. Remember, be kind! When I don't answer your phone call, it is because I really am not in the mood to talk to you. Not because I don't love you, but because I am hurting and I can't handle your wants and needs at this time. When I don't get excited that others are pregnant, please don't call me out on it because I physically, emotionally and mentally can't muster up that excitement. It just isn't possible, and honestly, I don't want to. When I run out of the room when a baby enters the room, don't be mad. Be kind! Remember that I should have two babies still inside my body and when I see someone with a baby, my heart breaks again. The pain I feel is the same pain I imagine William Wallace felt when his insides were being ripped out of his body little by little. When I am in a bad mood on Mondays, please know that June 1st and June 8th were both Mondays. I need you to be kind to me because I feel the world hasn't been, and either has God.
Please know that I am going to be moody. I am going to be sad. I am going to be pissed off. I am going to cry....a lot. I am going to do it at home, at the office, in public, in the middle of the night. I am probably a little depressed but don't assume I have to take medication to cope. Don't shy away from me because I can't control my emotions. Please, I ask this of you, if you are going to remember my sons first birthday, please remember their 4th and 5th as well. I need for you to remember them. Some of you were able to hold my babies in your arms, so you know they were here. They existed, they are a part of Dan and I. I need you to count them when you count how many grandchildren you have. Denton and Quinton mattered, they still matter!
I am not sharing all of this with you to upset anyone, or to make anyone uncomfortable. I am sharing with you because I am in a vulnerable state and the last thing I want to do is push anyone away. I don't want to alienate anyone purposely, but it may happen. I have already lost my sons, I don't want to lose you too.
Thank you for supporting Dan, Shane and I through this dark storm. As we navigate through the blistering winds that come and knock us off our feet, we are thankful that we will have you there to pick us up, because right now it takes everything I have to get out of bed in the morning. Who am I kidding, some times I don't get out until late morning! We love you and thank you for loving us.
This is the letter I wish I had the strength to write after my sons died. This explains truly how I felt at that time. I will be honest, relationships suffered. Friends didn't acknowledge the fact that my sons died. Family thought we were the ones causing pain to them. Maybe if I would have been brave enough in the beginning, none of that would have happened. I could have given each person that mattered to me a a map of every single move they should have made around me and I didn't. Not all relationships were strained, but some were. It happens. It is life. Death isn't easy for anyone, but the death of your child I believe is the absolute worst pain anyone could ever feel in their entire life. I felt that pain for a long time, but I wouldn't share it with anyone. Not even my husband at times. I felt my grief was so personal to me that I couldn't share it because no one would understand. I can stand here today and say with certainty that I am not in the same place I was 4.5 years ago. I have tackled the barricades head on to come out stronger on the other side. I have never been one to back down, but the day my children died, and the days that followed, I felt I had surrendered and was losing the fight. One day I woke up. I can't tell you what made me realize that I had to fight to get back to a health place, but I did it. I encourage anyone who needs to grieve, to do so. Give yourself permission. Write a letter to friends and family if needed. Typing this out now, was still healing. Don't wait if you don't have to!
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