"If I Could Write A Letter"

Monday night I was blessed sit in a room with the bravest men and women I have ever met. Moms and dads that are able to take their pain of losing a child and be transparent in the midst of strangers. Moms and dads who have taken their darkest days and turned them in to shining beacons of hope. As I was sitting there listening to and sharing with other families on our losses, I was able to learn quite a bit about what I should have done to help me through the grieving process. I believe that I did a lot of work to accomplish the healing that has taken place. I still hurt, I miss my sons ever single day, and there are times that I am really sad. Most days though are normal days going through the motions of life. Only those who has experienced such pain can experience the joy that comes in the morning! A woman that I consider a friend of mine shared a letter that she wrote to her family after the loss of her baby. I was amazed at her strength and that is what has prompted this post today. This may be 4.5 years too late, but this is what I wish I would have said to friends and family after the loss of Denton and Quinton.

         Dear Friends and Family that I love so much. As you know the loss of Denton and Quinton has been extremely hard on me, on us. As we are trying to process everything I pray that you will be patient with us. Not only are we dealing with the loss of our two sons, we are also trying to help our older son grieve the loss of his mother at the same time. I guess what I am trying to say is that we have a lot on our plate right now and we need time. Time to grieve in the ways that we want and need to grieve, time to be selfish, time to avoid other people that are having babies, and time just for ourselves. Individually, as husband and wife, and as parents of a living son and parents of twins that died. 

       I want to take this opportunity to share with you how I am feeling and this may help you when you are dealing with me on a regular basis. First, I am not the same Ashley that I was on June 1st. June 1st changed my life when I was told I was not pregnant with one baby, but two and that one of them wasn't developing. Then June 2nd came, and it changed my life again. Never in a million years did I ever think that I was going to be asked to have an abortion, by a doctor at that! Never did I think that I was going to have to pick one baby over the other. Then June 7th came, and once again my life changed. My body decided that it was time to have my babies, although my babies weren't ready to be born. I felt like my life was over at the very moment my water broke and I knew Denton and Quinton were coming, no matter what. Then June 8th came and so did the boys. My boys were born and died on June 8th and part of me died right along with them. As you can see, my life was turned up side down within a week's time frame. As you can see, I didn't have a lot of time to process it during that week, so now I am asking that you grant me this time to process and grieve.

      Along with time, I am asking that you be kind to us. Be kind with your words, your thoughts, and your expectations. You may be wondering what I am meaning by this, so here it goes. Remember, be kind! When I don't answer your phone call, it is because I really am not in the mood to talk to you. Not because I don't love you, but because I am hurting and I can't handle your wants and needs at this time. When I don't get excited that others are pregnant, please don't call me out on it because I physically, emotionally and mentally can't muster up that excitement. It just isn't possible, and honestly, I don't want to. When I run out of the room when a baby enters the room, don't be mad. Be kind! Remember that I should have two babies still inside my body and when I see someone with a baby, my heart breaks again. The pain I feel is the same pain I imagine William Wallace felt when his insides were being ripped out of his body little by little. When I am in a bad mood on Mondays, please know that June 1st and June 8th were both Mondays. I need you to be kind to me because I feel the world hasn't been, and either has God.

      Please know that I am going to be moody. I am going to be sad. I am going to be pissed off. I am going to cry....a lot. I am going to do it at home, at the office, in public, in the middle of the night. I am probably a little depressed but don't assume I have to take medication to cope. Don't shy away from me because I can't control my emotions. Please, I ask this of you, if you are going to remember my sons first birthday, please remember their 4th and 5th as well. I need for you to remember them. Some of you were able to hold my babies in your arms, so you know they were here. They existed, they are a part of Dan and I. I need you to count them when you count how many grandchildren you have. Denton and Quinton mattered, they still matter!

      I am not sharing all of this with you to upset anyone, or to make anyone uncomfortable. I am sharing with you because I am in a vulnerable state and the last thing I want to do is push anyone away. I don't want to alienate anyone purposely, but it may happen. I have already lost my sons, I don't want to lose you too.

      Thank you for supporting Dan, Shane and I through this dark storm. As we navigate through the blistering winds that come and knock us off our feet, we are thankful that we will have you there to pick us up, because right now it takes everything I have to get out of bed in the morning. Who am I kidding, some times I don't get out until late morning! We love you and thank you for loving us.


This is the letter I wish I had the strength to write after my sons died. This explains truly how I felt at that time. I will be honest, relationships suffered. Friends didn't acknowledge the fact that my sons died. Family thought we were the ones causing pain to them. Maybe if I would have been brave enough in the beginning, none of that would have happened. I could have given each person that mattered to me a a map of every single move they should have made around me and I didn't. Not all relationships were strained, but some were. It happens. It is life. Death isn't easy for anyone, but the death of your child I believe is the absolute worst pain anyone could ever feel in their entire life. I felt that pain for a long time, but I wouldn't share it with anyone. Not even my husband at times. I felt my grief was so personal to me that I couldn't share it because no one would understand. I can stand here today and say with certainty that I am not in the same place I was 4.5 years ago. I have tackled the barricades head on to come out stronger on the other side. I have never been one to back down, but the day my children died, and the days that followed, I felt I had surrendered and was losing the fight. One day I woke up. I can't tell you what made me realize that I had to fight to get back to a health place, but I did it. I encourage anyone who needs to grieve, to do so. Give yourself permission. Write a letter to friends and family if needed. Typing this out now, was still healing. Don't wait if you don't have to!

Watering the Flowers

A man (he can be Asian, Korean, Hispanic, Anglo, Black, whatever you prefer) went down to the river every single day to get water. He had 2 buckets. One bucket was shinny, beautiful, not a single imperfection on it. The other bucket was cracked, full of blemishes and leaked water. How can this bucket still be useful for the purpose of carrying water? One day while the man was getting his water he overheard the buckets talking to one another. The old, rusty leaking bucket was complaining because he didn't look like the shinny new bucket. The bucket didn't understand it's value. It was concerned that it didn't serve a purpose anymore because it wasn't as "good" as the other bucket. As the bickering continued between the two buckets the old man interrupted and begged the old bucket to see it's purpose. The man said "Do you see all of these beautiful flowers on your side that lead all the way up to the palace? Do you see that they are only on your side, and not the side of the other bucket?" The old bucket was speechless. The old man, saddened by the fact that the old bucket didn't feel valuable, pleaded with the old bucket. He told the bucket, "I only planted the flowers on your side because I knew you leaked water and every single day on our way back up to the palace, I knew you would be watering them. Can't you see how beautiful they are, because of you?" 

Kids, the moral of this little parable, that was shared with me by a friend, reminds me of Sophie and how imperfectly perfect she truly is. From the outside Sophie looks perfect. She doesn't have a single blemish. Some of the physical characteristics, such as always smiling, wide set, deep eyes that she has because of MWS, are truly beautiful physical characteristics  for her to  have. From the outside, one wouldn't know that Sophie is incomplete on the inside. It is true, Sophie doesn't serve the same purpose as me. Her purpose in this life isn't to be "fruitful and multiply" by the standards God set for us. Her purpose isn't to go to work every single day and make a difference in the job she performs. Sophie's purpose is much bigger, much more spectacular!

Sophie is changing lives my friends. For those of you that have been blessed to be in the presence of Sophie, you can attest to the fact that she is truly a special little girl. Not special as in special needs, but special because God is using her to transform our lives EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Even if you just know Sophie through my posts or my pictures, you can tell that Sophie is extraordinary. I get to wake up to a child who is up to shenanigans inside of her crib and when she is caught, she just smiles as if it wasn't her. I get to come home every single day to a child whose face lights up when she hears my voice and her eyes search the room to find me. I get to put to bed a feisty little princess who is fighting sleep, but not in the way you would think. She fights it with giggles, laughter, hitting her daddy because she wants to interact with him, all while she is rubbing her eyes because she physically needs to go to bed, but won't because she is too busy making memories for her mommy, daddy, and brother. Friends, that is my reality!

It wasn't too long ago that I was the rusty old bucket. I was the one who was complaining that my daughter wasn't as good as my friends kids. I was the one that was complaining because in 5 months my daughter will be 3 and she still isn't walking or crawling, but my niece was walking before she turned a year old. Don't misinterpret what I am saying, I was overjoyed for my sister and BIL, that my niece was walking, but there was also jealousy inside that was eating away at me like maggots on a deteriorating piece of flesh. (Nice visual, you are welcome!) I wasn't looking at  how beautiful Sophie truly is. Sophie is a miracle, no matter which way we look at it. How many of you have been told by friends that when they look at your child, they see Jesus? We have been told that countless times and it never gets old.

 My Simply Complicated, isn't so simple, but it also isn't so complicated. I am beyond thankful for where we are today with Sophie. I am beyond thankful for the different surgeries that she has had to make her a healthy little girl. I am beyond thankful for her smiles, her laughter, her babbling sounds that sounds like she is saying mama, because it is a lot more than what I had anticipated back on January 2nd, 2012 when we received the diagnosis of MWS. Sure, Sophie is full of imperfections. I mean come on, she is missing a gene on her 2nd chromosome, she has a patch on her heart to close a hole that made her quality of life a lot less than what it is now, she has 6" less of a colon than she is supposed to, and a beautiful scar in the middle of her chest reminding me that I have so much to be thankful for. Sophie IS like the broken bucket because she is truly making this world a more beautiful place because God has used her imperfections to water the flowers!

**Thank you friend for sharing this story you heard with me this morning. I thank God for you!