"I wanted it all and that's what I got"

As children we all had dreams of what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives. Some of us wanted to be superhero's, some doctors, some professional athletes, and some didn't know what they wanted to "be" but they knew they wanted to do something with the rest of their life.

For me, I wanted to be a lawyer. A Criminal Lawyer. I wanted to be the Prosecutor in a big high crime case. I wanted to see justice served and I wanted to be the one to put the bad people away. I could see my self sitting behind endless piles of paperwork, in a skirt suit with nice black pumps on, glasses and my hair put up neatly. I could see myself living in the city, Chicago preferably, working all the time to get my job done. I knew what I wanted and I was going to make it happen.

As Kenny Chesney sings, I made the following my song because this was what I wanted:

She said the girl I was with the business degree probally wouldn't recognize me.
I was gonna run the bank.
I was gonna run the math.
Now all I want to run is a bubble bath.
Back then you know I had this plan.
Before all of this reality set in.
Here comes life boy ready or not.
Hey I wanted it all and that's what I got.

Cause I'm gopherin, chauffeuring, company chairman.
Coffee maker, Copy repairman.
Anymore there ain't nothing I swear man that
I don't do.
Been juggling, struggling, closing big deals.
Dancing backwards in high heels.

 



Then college came and something changed. I realized I didn't want to be in school for the next eight years of my life. Could I do it and do it well, absolutely, but I no longer had that dream. My dream changed. I wanted to be the big CEO of a major company. I wanted to be the boss. I wanted to hire and fire you! I know, that last part sounds a little twisted, but it is where I saw my life going.

I remember going to my first day of Spanish 101 and Mrs. Crater was the professor. Oddly enough, she was the Spanish teacher when I was in elementary school at Litchfield. I remember sitting in the 4th row, 2nd seat. I always liked to be towards the front of the class. No, I wasn't a teachers pet, but I liked being closer to the action. Mrs. Crater came in and started speaking to us in Spanish. I was lost. It had been two years since I had taken a Spanish class so I knew I would need some refreshing. Little did I know at the time, but not a "lick" of English was spoken in that class at all! Ummm, I never went back. International Business turned in to just a Business degree.

I worked my way through college, hitting the books and hitting the workforce. I held 2 jobs the first 3 years of college and my senior year I just worked one, 40 hours a week, and went to school full time. This is what I wanted! I was so frustrated when I sat in the registrars office and realized that no matter what I didn't I wasn't going to graduate with honors. That was something I wanted so badly. I was told that even if I earned a 4.0 my senior year, which I did, I would still fall short at a 3.497 and they don't round up! 

Sitting there in the gymnasium at SAU I was so proud to be the first person in my immediately family to graduate from college and I did it in 4 years. I had a job at Rogers and Hollands Jewelers and that was my plan until I found something bigger and better. I worked there for 4.5 years. Started as a part time employee and worked my way up to assistant manager. I was offered an assistant manager position  in South Bend. They offered me a moving bonus and a raise. I entertained the idea and then got scared. I wouldn't know anyone at all and that worried me. I never went.

Somewhere along the way what I saw as "Wanting it All" changed. I no longer wanted the responsibility of running a major corporation or to manage personalities. I just wanted to be successful in my career as well as have a family.

But I still wanted to keep advancing in the career I was in. I wanted ALL that I could get. I took on the Controller position at my current place of employment. I knew it was going to be a challenge and that was ok. I knew it was stressful but I thought I could handle it. Guess what, I was wrong. I can't handle it. I was stressed out at home and at work. It wasn't good for my health or my relationships. I wasn't happy anymore. Then Sophie got sick. She was sick for 3 straight months. I was exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. Sophie needed me to be 100% and I wasn't. I was worried about missing work and who was going to come in a do my job because it couldn't be left undone. I couldn't not think about it. My all needed to be my family...and my work was standing in the way.

As of next week I will be taking a step back. I will still do some accounting but it will be less and I will be going back to my original position. I feel so relieved and thankful.

I share all of this just to say, I already have it all. I have had it all for the last 4 years. My family is my all! I no longer feel like I missed out on my dreams because I am living my dream. I am a wife and a mommy to the most wonderful children. Are there challenges, absolutely but there is so much reward in the job I do at home. That reward is greater than any paycheck!