Eyes are closed, I'm standing, swaying back and forth to the music that is slowly coming to an end. The praise team leads in to another song of worship. My hearts starts beating faster, I can feel the tears start to dampen my cheek bones and make their way down my face until they form a perfectly little drop that rolls off of my jaw line. I begin to sing along.
The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end
The Godhead Three in One
Father Spirit Son
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb
Name above all names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God, and all will see
How great, how great is our God
I don't know about you but when I walk in to church and see that we will be partaking in communion I instantly know that we are going to have a good service. A good service usually entails that we are going to be in the presence of God. Being in the presence of God isn't something that is extremely comfortable at all times. Comforting, yes. Comfortable, not always. So as I am worshiping all I can do is sing and let the tears fall. I couldn't do anything else.
Next we go in to a time of prayer. The room was surrounded with people who were ready to pray for you, for whatever you needed. As I sit down in my seat, I am silent. All of a sudden, it is revealed to me that I need to increase my faith in Him. I am more aware at that moment than any other time that I am much more demanding in my prayers when it comes to praying for other people than I am when I am praying for something I need, or my family needs. My heart starts to race, my breathing gets heavy and I start to sob. How is it that I can believe God is going to heal others, give them the desiers of their hearts that I pray for, but not my daughter? That is what it boiled down to. I was unable to move, I was just stopped, taking up permanent residence in my seat. As my friend Renee took my daughter up to be prayed for, I still couldn't move. I knew they were praying for healing over her heart and for that I am thankful.
I left church yesterday knowing that I have some work to do. If I can believe for others then I need to start believing for myself. Not just saying I believe it, but really believing it. I have seen miracles happen, I have heard testimony of sickness being removed from lives without explanation from doctors. I know God heals. But why it so hard for me to know that same truth when it comes to my prayers for Sophie?
There is my heart, out on a platter for you. I am asking for you to pray for me. That I may feel the Lord working on my heart. That I too, will pray just as boldly for my daughter's healing as I do for other people.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Beauty From Ashes
It is with a heavy heart that I sit and type out my thoughts this morning. I have so many of them going though my mind and part of me doesn't even know where to begin. The other part of me is telling me exactly where I need to begin. As I pray for Heather and her family as she awaits the birth of her 21 week old baby, I can't help but remember the birth of my sweet Denton and Quinton. As I try to think of things I could say to comfort her, I am silenced and in the silence I am reminded of the beautiful life my son's had. Short yes, beautiful nonetheless.
It was a cold day in February 2009 when my body knew something wasn't as it once was. I was at work and I decided to buy a pregnancy test on my lunch. Who does this at work? I went to the bathroom, peed on the test and waited 2 minutes, just like the directions said. I had never taken one before and I knew I didn't want to screw this up! After what felt like an eternity of waiting I looked at the test, held my breath and bam....it was blank. There was absolutely nothing on the little rectangular window. How did I screw this up is what was going through my mind. Because I didn't want anyone to see what I had been doing I took the test and wrapped it in toilet paper, put it in my pocket and transferred it to my purse. I don't know what possessed me to look at the test again but I did, about 15 minutes later and there was a pretty pink + sign. Could it be? Really? It must be a fluke because if I was really pregnant then it would have come up after the 2 minutes. I wasn't convinced so I left work, went to the drug store and purchased a 2 pack of the First Response pregnancy test. I went to the same bathroom and followed the same instructions. Before I could even bring the test up to eye level after peeing on it, there was another pretty pink + sign. One would think that would have been enough to convince me but let me tell you this, over the first 8-10 weeks before my first doctor's appointment, I bought 10 tests. Yes, 10!
The first few weeks went by and Dan and I were still trying to process that I was pregnant. We weren't married so I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I let God down, is what I thought. I let my parents down also, is what I told myself. None of that was true by the way. Just still thoughts that the devil tried putting in my mind. God and my parents still loved me and they were going to love this baby; more than likely more than they loved me! :)
At the first doctor's appointment I was so overwhelmed with all of the information they were feeding us. Dan had been through this before but it was a first for me. The paperwork they give you for "reading material"....enough said! Then came the cold wand they put a rubber glove over and then I was able to see our baby for the first time. I was instantly in love. More in love with Dan at that point as well. It was estimated that I was about 9 weeks long and we could see the heart beating so strong.
The days and weeks continued and I started to show. At that point I decided it was time to announce to our parents that we were pregnant. Everyone was so happy and tears of joy were shed. I remember making the phone call to my dad and I was so scared to tell him because I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. Guess what, he wasn't!
As the pregnancy continued I did everything right. I stopped smoking (yes, I was smoking cigarettes. Gross, I know!) I stopped drinking caffeinated beverages. I took my prenatal vitamins and ate healthy, ummmm.....healthier! Everything was perfect. I was around 17 weeks pregnant and I felt the first movement. Dan, Shane and I were outside and I felt the little flutter on the left front side of my belly. It was the creepiest yet most exciting feeling I had ever experienced. It came, it went, I cried.
Then comes the 20 week U/S on Monday, June 1st. For us, it was 21 weeks due to scheduling. My bladder was full, my heart was beating so fast that I honestly thought it was going to explode, and then they called my name. We made our way down the long hallway to 1 of 2 U/S rooms. It was the room on the left, the room I will never step foot in again! As the tech started the u/s Dan was holding his breath because he was hoping for a boy. The tech said we were having a boy and we were so happy. As the appointment continued Dan thought he saw her put 2 in the field that asked how many fetuses. The tech told him it was just one but it was something they needed to do just for paperwork. Dan asked 2 other times if it was just one baby and they told him yes. The techs left the room to make sure they had all the pictures they needed and were going to show them to the radiologist. Dan left to go take Shane his book bag at school. We were all in a hurry that morning. I was sitting in the room alone for what felt like an eternity.
The door opens and in walks the 2 techs and the radiologist. Without any warning the radiologist tells me that I was pregnant with twins but one was developing as a tissue and that I was to go to my doctor right away, she was waiting for me. The room went white. Honestly, white. I could hear their voices but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I thought my heart was racing before, it was nothing compared to what it was at that point in time. I left the hospital and started calling Dan. He wasn't answering. "Why in the hell wasn't he answering", is what I was yelling. I called my mom. I sobbed as I told her what was happening and that I couldn't get a hold of Dan. I went home, Dan wasn't there. I don't know what it was but I turned my car out of my driveway and went to his buddy's house and there was Dan's car. I ran up to the door, didn't even knock and told him we had to go. He could see that I had been crying. As we are walking towards my car I tell him what is going on. He was totally caught off guard. His excitement of having a baby boy had turned in to fear of the unknown, confusion of having twins, and sadness that I was hurting and he couldn't do anything about it.
The next few days were filled with appointments. I saw my OB, a High Risk OB and then my OB again. I was asked to have an abortion, let nature take it's course, or have surgery to help the healthy twin have a chance at life. Dan and I chose for me to go to Cincinnati to have surgery. I was put on bed rest and awaited surgery. Surgery was scheduled and I was to be in Cincinnati in 2 weeks. My mom flew in from Colorado because we thought surgery would be sooner. My parents from Hillsdale came in to spend time with us and we were just surrounded by family.
Sunday morning, June 7th I woke up to a quarter sized blood spot. Dan rushed me to the hospital where they did a bedside u/s and saw that my babies were still alive. They checked everything out on me and my cervix was still closed. I was sent home with the understanding that I was to be taken to Cincinnati the next morning.Dan got me home, I rested and ate a little bit. I woke up and had to pee every couple of minutes. I was peeing myself, so I thought. This went on for a few hours and Dan finally said "Are you going to let me take you to the hospital now?" I agreed. On the way to the hospital I had 7 contractions in a 5 minute drive.My contractions were back to back.
I will spare you the other details but I was finally admitted to the hospital once my water broke. The moment that happened I started sobbing uncontrollably. I knew what it meant. Dan told me it was going to be ok. No it isn't, I yelled at him. The nurses tried to comfort me by telling me that maybe it was only one sac that ruptured. I knew better. Dan asked me not to look because the amount of fluid and blood that came out of my body he said looked like a scene from a horror movie.
Labor continued. Family was in the room with me and they were freezing. Apparently, I needed my room to be sub zero temperatures. Sorry guys! Monday, June 8th in the wee hours of the morning I gave birth to Quinton first. He was rushed out of the room because of his physical appearance. I never got to hold him, touch him, see him for myself. I could only stroke his body with my finger pressed up against the glossy finish of a 4x6 picture. A few minutes later Denton was born. He was born not breathing but he had a heart beat. My doctor asked me to hold him and I refused. That is the ugly truth. Before you judge me and shake you head and ask yourself how could a mother refuse to hold her own baby, know that it took everything I had to go through the cruel and unusual punishment of laboring them knowing that they wouldn't survive. Kind of puts you in a dark mental place. Dan held Denton and he and my doctor urged me to hold him. I am so thankful they did. I held Denton in my arms. His tiny little, perfect little body was in my arms. He looked so perfectly formed at only 21 weeks 3 days. He looked like his brother, Shane. He had a crooked little pinky finger, just like the Stegg boys (His daddy, brother and Uncle Andrew). He had the start of a uni-brow, just like his daddy and brother. I am so thankful I was able to hold him because I can still remember the color of his skin, the perfectly formed body, the peaceful look on his face as his heart stopped beating while still in my arms.
The next few months were hell. Absolute hell. I would wake up in the middle of the night and sob. I would do it in hiding because I didn't want to make Dan sad with my sobbing. I didn't know it at the time but he knew I was doing it because he heard me. I was so sad. So heartbroken. I was lost. I was pissed off at the world, angry, and full of grief. I didn't know then that today I would be able to sit here and type this out without being sad. I didn't think it was possible. I thought that I would have been that way forever. It got better, it still gets better every single day. Today, I am thankful!
So, Heather, I offer you this. I am praying for you. I know that this is hell for you right now, in this very moment. I know that you would give your own life just to have your baby's life spared. I know that your heart is in your throat, but it will soon find its way back to the spot it belongs. I know that you feel like life won't ever be the same, and you are right. A piece of you is gone and you will never get it back. As ugly of a time that it is right now, there is beauty in the life your baby brought. Beauty in the strength that you will dig deep inside to find just to get out of bed in the morning to take care of your beautiful daughter at home. Beauty in the love that will grow even stronger between you and your husband. Beauty from Ashes my friend!
It was a cold day in February 2009 when my body knew something wasn't as it once was. I was at work and I decided to buy a pregnancy test on my lunch. Who does this at work? I went to the bathroom, peed on the test and waited 2 minutes, just like the directions said. I had never taken one before and I knew I didn't want to screw this up! After what felt like an eternity of waiting I looked at the test, held my breath and bam....it was blank. There was absolutely nothing on the little rectangular window. How did I screw this up is what was going through my mind. Because I didn't want anyone to see what I had been doing I took the test and wrapped it in toilet paper, put it in my pocket and transferred it to my purse. I don't know what possessed me to look at the test again but I did, about 15 minutes later and there was a pretty pink + sign. Could it be? Really? It must be a fluke because if I was really pregnant then it would have come up after the 2 minutes. I wasn't convinced so I left work, went to the drug store and purchased a 2 pack of the First Response pregnancy test. I went to the same bathroom and followed the same instructions. Before I could even bring the test up to eye level after peeing on it, there was another pretty pink + sign. One would think that would have been enough to convince me but let me tell you this, over the first 8-10 weeks before my first doctor's appointment, I bought 10 tests. Yes, 10!
The first few weeks went by and Dan and I were still trying to process that I was pregnant. We weren't married so I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. I let God down, is what I thought. I let my parents down also, is what I told myself. None of that was true by the way. Just still thoughts that the devil tried putting in my mind. God and my parents still loved me and they were going to love this baby; more than likely more than they loved me! :)
At the first doctor's appointment I was so overwhelmed with all of the information they were feeding us. Dan had been through this before but it was a first for me. The paperwork they give you for "reading material"....enough said! Then came the cold wand they put a rubber glove over and then I was able to see our baby for the first time. I was instantly in love. More in love with Dan at that point as well. It was estimated that I was about 9 weeks long and we could see the heart beating so strong.
The days and weeks continued and I started to show. At that point I decided it was time to announce to our parents that we were pregnant. Everyone was so happy and tears of joy were shed. I remember making the phone call to my dad and I was so scared to tell him because I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. Guess what, he wasn't!
As the pregnancy continued I did everything right. I stopped smoking (yes, I was smoking cigarettes. Gross, I know!) I stopped drinking caffeinated beverages. I took my prenatal vitamins and ate healthy, ummmm.....healthier! Everything was perfect. I was around 17 weeks pregnant and I felt the first movement. Dan, Shane and I were outside and I felt the little flutter on the left front side of my belly. It was the creepiest yet most exciting feeling I had ever experienced. It came, it went, I cried.
Then comes the 20 week U/S on Monday, June 1st. For us, it was 21 weeks due to scheduling. My bladder was full, my heart was beating so fast that I honestly thought it was going to explode, and then they called my name. We made our way down the long hallway to 1 of 2 U/S rooms. It was the room on the left, the room I will never step foot in again! As the tech started the u/s Dan was holding his breath because he was hoping for a boy. The tech said we were having a boy and we were so happy. As the appointment continued Dan thought he saw her put 2 in the field that asked how many fetuses. The tech told him it was just one but it was something they needed to do just for paperwork. Dan asked 2 other times if it was just one baby and they told him yes. The techs left the room to make sure they had all the pictures they needed and were going to show them to the radiologist. Dan left to go take Shane his book bag at school. We were all in a hurry that morning. I was sitting in the room alone for what felt like an eternity.
The door opens and in walks the 2 techs and the radiologist. Without any warning the radiologist tells me that I was pregnant with twins but one was developing as a tissue and that I was to go to my doctor right away, she was waiting for me. The room went white. Honestly, white. I could hear their voices but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I thought my heart was racing before, it was nothing compared to what it was at that point in time. I left the hospital and started calling Dan. He wasn't answering. "Why in the hell wasn't he answering", is what I was yelling. I called my mom. I sobbed as I told her what was happening and that I couldn't get a hold of Dan. I went home, Dan wasn't there. I don't know what it was but I turned my car out of my driveway and went to his buddy's house and there was Dan's car. I ran up to the door, didn't even knock and told him we had to go. He could see that I had been crying. As we are walking towards my car I tell him what is going on. He was totally caught off guard. His excitement of having a baby boy had turned in to fear of the unknown, confusion of having twins, and sadness that I was hurting and he couldn't do anything about it.
The next few days were filled with appointments. I saw my OB, a High Risk OB and then my OB again. I was asked to have an abortion, let nature take it's course, or have surgery to help the healthy twin have a chance at life. Dan and I chose for me to go to Cincinnati to have surgery. I was put on bed rest and awaited surgery. Surgery was scheduled and I was to be in Cincinnati in 2 weeks. My mom flew in from Colorado because we thought surgery would be sooner. My parents from Hillsdale came in to spend time with us and we were just surrounded by family.
Sunday morning, June 7th I woke up to a quarter sized blood spot. Dan rushed me to the hospital where they did a bedside u/s and saw that my babies were still alive. They checked everything out on me and my cervix was still closed. I was sent home with the understanding that I was to be taken to Cincinnati the next morning.Dan got me home, I rested and ate a little bit. I woke up and had to pee every couple of minutes. I was peeing myself, so I thought. This went on for a few hours and Dan finally said "Are you going to let me take you to the hospital now?" I agreed. On the way to the hospital I had 7 contractions in a 5 minute drive.My contractions were back to back.
I will spare you the other details but I was finally admitted to the hospital once my water broke. The moment that happened I started sobbing uncontrollably. I knew what it meant. Dan told me it was going to be ok. No it isn't, I yelled at him. The nurses tried to comfort me by telling me that maybe it was only one sac that ruptured. I knew better. Dan asked me not to look because the amount of fluid and blood that came out of my body he said looked like a scene from a horror movie.
Labor continued. Family was in the room with me and they were freezing. Apparently, I needed my room to be sub zero temperatures. Sorry guys! Monday, June 8th in the wee hours of the morning I gave birth to Quinton first. He was rushed out of the room because of his physical appearance. I never got to hold him, touch him, see him for myself. I could only stroke his body with my finger pressed up against the glossy finish of a 4x6 picture. A few minutes later Denton was born. He was born not breathing but he had a heart beat. My doctor asked me to hold him and I refused. That is the ugly truth. Before you judge me and shake you head and ask yourself how could a mother refuse to hold her own baby, know that it took everything I had to go through the cruel and unusual punishment of laboring them knowing that they wouldn't survive. Kind of puts you in a dark mental place. Dan held Denton and he and my doctor urged me to hold him. I am so thankful they did. I held Denton in my arms. His tiny little, perfect little body was in my arms. He looked so perfectly formed at only 21 weeks 3 days. He looked like his brother, Shane. He had a crooked little pinky finger, just like the Stegg boys (His daddy, brother and Uncle Andrew). He had the start of a uni-brow, just like his daddy and brother. I am so thankful I was able to hold him because I can still remember the color of his skin, the perfectly formed body, the peaceful look on his face as his heart stopped beating while still in my arms.
The next few months were hell. Absolute hell. I would wake up in the middle of the night and sob. I would do it in hiding because I didn't want to make Dan sad with my sobbing. I didn't know it at the time but he knew I was doing it because he heard me. I was so sad. So heartbroken. I was lost. I was pissed off at the world, angry, and full of grief. I didn't know then that today I would be able to sit here and type this out without being sad. I didn't think it was possible. I thought that I would have been that way forever. It got better, it still gets better every single day. Today, I am thankful!
So, Heather, I offer you this. I am praying for you. I know that this is hell for you right now, in this very moment. I know that you would give your own life just to have your baby's life spared. I know that your heart is in your throat, but it will soon find its way back to the spot it belongs. I know that you feel like life won't ever be the same, and you are right. A piece of you is gone and you will never get it back. As ugly of a time that it is right now, there is beauty in the life your baby brought. Beauty in the strength that you will dig deep inside to find just to get out of bed in the morning to take care of your beautiful daughter at home. Beauty in the love that will grow even stronger between you and your husband. Beauty from Ashes my friend!
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