For the past year or more I have shared with you the different joys and struggles we have faced as a family. We have had celebrations, shared tears, and have been encouraged through the day to day experiences. When it comes to my children I have been completely transparent when it comes to the struggles I face, the prayers I need answered and the joys I have shared. When it comes to my children I am willing to share most everything because that is how we are able to see miracles happen, ask for prayers, and share life with one another. For me though, there is an area of my life that most people have no idea about and I think it is time to share it with you.
A few weeks back there was a post on my Facebook status in regards to turning in to my mother because I was a.) shopping at Macy's and b.) the shirts I purchased were black. My mom loves Macy's and loves black! It was a compliment and she knew that. The uncomfortable part comes in to play because there was a post made by someone in regards to who they consider my mom to be! Are you still with me?
I, Ashley Ann (Gordon) Stegg was born to Jacqueline Doherty (maiden name) and my dad Dallas Gordon. My older brother, Jerid, and I were raised by Jack-Attack (It's ok to laugh) and went to my dad's house every other weekend and rotating holidays since before I could walk. Thankfully my birth parents didn't stay together "for the sake of the children."
My dad remarried, Renee VanAken (maiden name). Since I was born in to this world she was in my life as my step mom. My dad and "Renee" went on to have 3 other children, my brothers, Brandon, Josh and J'mer (Jeremiah). When it comes to my brothers, there is no half in front of the word brothers. They are my brothers, no ifs ands or buts!
Jack-Attack remarried to Roger and they had twin boys, Cody and Kyle. We all lived together in Litchfield for a long time and then Jack-Attack and Roger got divorced. Cody and Kyle went to live with their dad and Jerid and I were left with Jack-Attack and her different boyfriends who would verbally and physically abuse her. In turn, Jack-Attack would abuse Jerid and I. The abuse would happen off and on until one day the police and CPS were at my house escorting Jerid and I away to live with my Grandmother. We were with her for 6 months. I was 8 and in 2nd grade. After the 6 months lapsed we were allowed to live with Jack-Attack again. The abuse didn't stop.
This went on until I was 12 years old. One day Jack-Attack took off with one of her ex-boyfriends for the day and I was locked outside because my cousin didn't want to let me in because he had his girlfriend over. I couldn't go in to the home I was living in because it wasn't our home. That evening I remember sitting on the swing crying. I didn't have anywhere to go so I called my dad. I told him what was going on and he told me he would be there as soon as he could get there. Jerid and I went to my dad's house that day and I never looked back. Jerid took a different path and I chose to stay with my dad and Renee.
Life got a little easier in some aspects and a little more complicated in others. I wasn't being physically abused anymore but Jack-Attack was trying to get sober, promising me the world if only I would go back to live with her and I felt guilt for some reason. I felt guilty for choosing to stay at my dad's house. That I was letting her down. What I couldn't understand at the age of 12 was that she had let me down long before that.
Over the days, weeks and months I struggled with getting in trouble at school, stealing from the locker room when I was in 7th grade, smoking cigarettes behind the dugout at football games and lying to my parents about it. I never had anyone care enough before so it didn't matter what I did. I can remember sitting on my parents bed in their room and Renee telling me that NO MATTER WHAT I DO, she will always love me. Those words changed my life forever, for the better. That moment, Renee became my mom, in every aspect of the word. She was my rock, my biggest fan, my supporter. So was my dad, don't get me wrong, but I was closer with my mom. The mom I never had until that moment.
Over the years life was so much better. Jack-Attack didn't contact me one time when I was 14 for 10 months and told me it was my fault. Typical behavior for an alcoholic. My mom was still right there for me when I sat in my room in disappointment. I had basketball, volleyball and track where we would travel back to Litchfield and Jack-attack never made it to one of those games even though she lived 5 minutes away. She wasn't the one making the effort to see me, it was me making an effort to see her.At the age of 16 my dad and Renee got divorced and my dad gave me the best gift I could have ever imagined. When my parents announced their divorce I didn't know what would happen to me. Was I going to have to move with my dad since I wasn't technically Renee's? Was the only real mom I ever knew going to be taken from me? NO! My dad was so selfless and asked me what I wanted. He let me choose. And my mom WANTED me. She didn't want me for the child support because she wasn't entitled to any for me. I wasn't legally hers. Dad, if I never thanked you, I am now! Thank you for loving me enough to do what was best for me, for all of us.
As of today, in my adult life, I have removed Jack-Attack from my life completely. I refer to her as my egg donor because to me, that is all she is. My grandma used to tell me that I needed to respect her because she brought me in to this world and over the past year or so she has changed her tune and I am so thankful. As of today, when I talk about my mom, it is Renee that I am referring to. Most of you wouldn't have known any differently.
I made the decision to not have Jack-Attack in my life because of the person she is. Jack-Attack is a severe alcoholic that can't take responsibility for how her life has turned out. She is unable to show love. She has so much hatred inside her heart that there isn't room for anyone or anything else. I refuse to subject my children to her. My children know what it is like to be loved unconditionally and that is all they ever need to know of love. They are so blessed to have their grandmas, grandpas, Nana's and Papa's and their Grammie and Grandpa Jimmy. How blessed are my kids!?! I was once told that I would have to answer to God for how I treat my "family". This person has issues, just like Jack-Attack. Because I don't put up with their BS and have them in my life, although they are technically family, they think I am wrong. Ok, that's fine with me! Doesn't break my heart.
As stated in the beginning of this post, this isn't something I share because I didn't feel anyone needed to know. It was in the past and that is where I thought it needed to stay. I was wrong though, I needed to share it. How can I be completely transparent about my kids' life and not my own? This past is what has shaped me in to the person I am today. My mom is the reason I am the mom I am today. Without her I would have failed. To this day we joke and I tell her that one day she will remember giving birth to me!
We have always been told that we look so much alike and that she could never deny that I was hers...and she doesn't!
I don't share this with you because I want you to feel sorry for me. I share this with you to show you that no matter how bad life was or is or gets that there is always something good that can come out of it. Jesus makes beauty from ashes! He works everything for our good and His glory!
I was broken, now I am blessed!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Trust Him
As I sit here and start putting my thoughts in to a familiar type face I wish I could truly convey the true sense of being completely humbled.
As you know Sophie's heart was still being monitored closely because her left pulmonary artery was narrow and wasn't allowing the proper amount of blood flow through. Because of that Sophie was going to have to have surgery. On July 23rd Sophie underwent some testing to see what type of surgery she was going to need, but we were told surgery was happening the very next month.
We all know the end of the story as well, Sophie was healed and doesn't have to have surgery after-all. I told Dr. Butto the day we left his office, on July 16th, that there was still time for a miracle and he said, "Anything can happen." I got the feeling from him that he really didn't expect it to happen although he was trying to appease me. But it DID happen! Healing happened!
Here is where I need to be completely transparent. I have an issue with trust. It may come from the childhood I had with my biological egg donor always letting me down, even through adulthood, until I decided I didn't need or want her in my life. I tend to not see the best in most people and I truly am working on it. I also have an issue with trusting God. Do I know He will never leave me nor forsake me...yes! Or that He loves me daughter even more than I do? Of course I do, but there is always a BUT!
For example, after I received the call on the 25th of July telling me that Sophie didn't need surgery any longer I didn't fully believe them. When I would share with people the good news I caught myself saying, "As of right now Sophie doesn't need surgery." Why did I have to add in the words "as of right now"? I added it in because when I was speaking with the nurse she said it like this: "Dr. Butto looked at her scans and said everything looks good and she doesn't need surgery. He will confirm with the radiologist just to make sure he isn't missing anything."
Ok, so I knew when she called me that it was a true healing, but because she said Dr. Butto was still going to confirm with the radiologist I took that as there was still a chance he could be wrong, EVEN THOUGH that morning I prayed these exact words: "Let me receive a phone all today telling me Sophie doesn't need surgery." The Lord had given me exactly what I prayed for and I still doubted Him. Yet He still loves me.
Why am I just now sharing this with you? That would be because I just received the phone call last week that the radiologist confirmed that Sophie didn't need surgery. Once again, I didn't trust. I couldn't trust Him because there was a voice in my head saying "at this time" and "confirm with the radiologist". Once I received the first call I should have had no doubts and ran with it.
That's the ugly side of our human nature. Jesus is just asking for me to trust Him and it seems like it is conditional for me, yet His love for me is completely UNconditional.
The past few weeks at church we have been challenged to pick a word that describes an area of our lives that need work. Then we needed to pick a verse in the Bible that has that word in it and apply it to our lives. From there we were challenged to pick a thought and then a statement.
For me it was a no brainier, my word is trust.
My One Word: Trust
My One Verse: Psalm 118:8 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man"
My One thought: I will learn to trust YOU alone
My One Statement: I AM
(Jesus gives us the authority on Earth to use I AM, just as He told Moses to say "I AM" sent him.) When ever I think of Sophie and the things she will be healed on, I say I am (She is) Healed, I Am (She is) Perfect....
As you know Sophie's heart was still being monitored closely because her left pulmonary artery was narrow and wasn't allowing the proper amount of blood flow through. Because of that Sophie was going to have to have surgery. On July 23rd Sophie underwent some testing to see what type of surgery she was going to need, but we were told surgery was happening the very next month.
We all know the end of the story as well, Sophie was healed and doesn't have to have surgery after-all. I told Dr. Butto the day we left his office, on July 16th, that there was still time for a miracle and he said, "Anything can happen." I got the feeling from him that he really didn't expect it to happen although he was trying to appease me. But it DID happen! Healing happened!
Here is where I need to be completely transparent. I have an issue with trust. It may come from the childhood I had with my biological egg donor always letting me down, even through adulthood, until I decided I didn't need or want her in my life. I tend to not see the best in most people and I truly am working on it. I also have an issue with trusting God. Do I know He will never leave me nor forsake me...yes! Or that He loves me daughter even more than I do? Of course I do, but there is always a BUT!
For example, after I received the call on the 25th of July telling me that Sophie didn't need surgery any longer I didn't fully believe them. When I would share with people the good news I caught myself saying, "As of right now Sophie doesn't need surgery." Why did I have to add in the words "as of right now"? I added it in because when I was speaking with the nurse she said it like this: "Dr. Butto looked at her scans and said everything looks good and she doesn't need surgery. He will confirm with the radiologist just to make sure he isn't missing anything."
Ok, so I knew when she called me that it was a true healing, but because she said Dr. Butto was still going to confirm with the radiologist I took that as there was still a chance he could be wrong, EVEN THOUGH that morning I prayed these exact words: "Let me receive a phone all today telling me Sophie doesn't need surgery." The Lord had given me exactly what I prayed for and I still doubted Him. Yet He still loves me.
Why am I just now sharing this with you? That would be because I just received the phone call last week that the radiologist confirmed that Sophie didn't need surgery. Once again, I didn't trust. I couldn't trust Him because there was a voice in my head saying "at this time" and "confirm with the radiologist". Once I received the first call I should have had no doubts and ran with it.
That's the ugly side of our human nature. Jesus is just asking for me to trust Him and it seems like it is conditional for me, yet His love for me is completely UNconditional.
The past few weeks at church we have been challenged to pick a word that describes an area of our lives that need work. Then we needed to pick a verse in the Bible that has that word in it and apply it to our lives. From there we were challenged to pick a thought and then a statement.
For me it was a no brainier, my word is trust.
My One Word: Trust
My One Verse: Psalm 118:8 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man"
My One thought: I will learn to trust YOU alone
My One Statement: I AM
(Jesus gives us the authority on Earth to use I AM, just as He told Moses to say "I AM" sent him.) When ever I think of Sophie and the things she will be healed on, I say I am (She is) Healed, I Am (She is) Perfect....
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