The ugly, brutal, unfortunate, anything but pretty reality is that 80% of couples who have experienced a loss of a child or has a special needs child within the first 5 years of the marriage/relationship will end up divorced. It is safe to say that Dan and I were destined for divorce even before we got married. This statistic has been heavy on my heart this week. This week has as much as an impact on my life as holy week does. This week, June 1-8, is a reminder of the absolute hell Dan and I went through to bring our babies, Denton and Quinton, in to this world only to have them be taken away.
Five years ago this week was the hardest, most painful for of cruel and unusual punishment that we have ever had to endure. It all stated with our 20 week u/s where we found out we were having a boy, then that there were identical twins, and then that one wasn't developing. The next day we were asked to have an abortion. Something I never dreamed anyone would ever as me to have. I had to make a life saving, for Denton, decision that would require emergency surgery in Cincinnati, OH within the next week but that didn't happen. Denton and Quinton came in to this world far too early five years ago on June 8th, 2009.
As I reflect on the last five years I see heartache, pain, frustration, fear, bitterness, anger, uncertainty, confusion, sadness, vulnerability, love, patience, understanding, acceptance, peace, strength, kindness, wisdom and hope! I listed these things the way I did because the first few years I felt like I was being sucker punched in the gut every time I turned around. Shane lost his mom to a heroine overdose, two months later Denton and Quinton were born and died, Sophie was born (one of the ups over this time period), Sophie had 4 surgeries before the age of 2, "D day" (diagnosis day) and the therapies and paperwork and fights with insurance and IEP's was more than any one person should have to endure. It wasn't until the past few years that I have been able to feel and see the positive out of all of this.
What a journey this past five years has been. I am thankful to say that although Dan and I were destined for divorce before we said 'I Do', we have become a better couple through all of our struggles. We have learned to lean on one another for support, give each other space to process, that we grieve differently and that we are still grieving the loss of Denton and Quinton five years later. I can honestly say our marriage is the best it has ever been. Has it been perfect, absolutely not. Has it been smooth sailing all the way through, nope! Have we learned that together we can face whatever life chooses to throw at us, yes! We are better together because of our children, all four of them!
Join me on Sunday in remembering sweet Denton and Quinton. Shed a tear or two if you would like, I know we will.
Happy 5th birthday boys, Mommy and Daddy, Shane & Sophie love you!
