"Don't Stop Believing"

    You know that moment when everything you have been praying for, everything you have been expecting to happen doesn't happen? There is such anticipation building up to that moment, and the anticipation seems to be worse than the moment when everything you believed was going to happen, doesn't happen. That is usually how the process goes for me. I expect the worst to happen. I am not a pessimistic person, but if you know everything that my family has endured in the last 4 years, you would understand why I see things the way I see them. It isn't because I want to, it is because I have been suckered punched repeatedly for the last 4 years starting with the loss of my twins. This time was different though. I didn't have any negative feelings or thoughts about Sophie's appointment. I was expecting a miracle. I was asking God to heal my daughter's heart fully and I just knew He was going to do it, but He didn't.

    Sophie had her 4 month check up at Dr. Butto's on Tuesday. He has been watching her left pulmonary artery for a year now. It has been a little narrow but he always gave us hope saying that she could grow out of it. Well, on Tuesday he told Dan that he will see her in 4 months and at that time he is going to want to schedule a procedure to get a better look. Let me interpret what he is saying here: "I want to do another heart cath so I can decide if a balloon procedure will work to open the artery, or if I have to result to worst case scenario and put a stent in, which I don't want to do because as Sophie grows the stent will have to be replaced."

    Did your heart just sink? Mine sure did when Dan was telling me. We were headed to dinner and I was asking him how the appointment went. I honestly had such joy in my heart and voice when I was asking because I was expecting him to tell me that everything was perfect. That Sophie's artery didn't need any attention. Then it hit me. I won't say like a ton of bricks because it was more than that. The weight of his words totally crushed my heart. My breathing started to increase and I was fighting back tears because Shane was in the back seat and up until this point, we haven't shared any of this with him because we. I believed everything was going to turn out differently. The look in Shane's eyes hurt me almost just as much. I could see the worry in his eyes for his sister. I had to suck up what I was feeling and explain to Shane that everything was going to be ok, that this wasn't serious. All of it lies because I didn't know in that moment if I believed my own words. That is what it was, just words, empty words so I could take the fear away from my son that he had for his sister. The love he has for her is indescribable. 

   That night I sent a text to my mom, a friend of mine and my Pastor. I told them all what was going on. All three of them had expected different results as well. As best as they could they tried to encourage me and on the other end I had tears running down my face. As I was reading their words I just felt empty. I didn't feel as if their words held any value or any promise to them. I was choosing not to trust my God because I felt He had let me down.

   The next day I called my dad because I wanted to share with him about the approval we had received for Sophie's bath seat....finally I might add. I was sharing that with him and then told him about the appointment. Again, I cried. I didn't know how to stop the tears. As my dad's voice cracked from him holding back his own tears, I felt comforted. I was comforted by my earthly father, but I still wasn't allowing myself to be comforted by my heavenly one. My dad told me to keep believing and to not give up. He knows better than that, he didn't help raise a quitter. Both of my parents raised me better than to quit....at anything worth fighting for. Sophie's healing is worth fighting for.

    I ended the conversation with my dad to go inside to make dinner. As I am cooking he sends me a text telling me to check my email and to let him know what I thought. Curiosity always gets me and I just can't not check my email at that moment, even though I was busy. I opened my email to see my dad's email and the subject line simply read "Devotional". Not something I really wanted to be doing because I was still feeling let down by God. I opened the devotional anyways and this is what it said:
 

Stay the Course

Today's Scripture:

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’ Isaiah 30:21, NIV.

Today's Word:

God has put a promise inside each and every one of us. Oftentimes, we have to go through the wilderness before we reach our promised land. Oftentimes, like Joseph, we feel like we are in a pit long before we ever see the palace. Maybe you’re in a season right now where you don’t see anything happening. You think, “I’ve been praying and believing for a year, five years, ten years. It’s never going to work out.”
No, be encouraged today. Stay the course. Keep believing. You may be tired, discouraged and tempted to be frustrated, but don’t give up on your future. Stay on the high road. Our God is a faithful God. It may be taking a long time, but what He started He will finish in your life. Scripture says the eyes of the Lord search to and fro to find someone who will be faithful on His behalf. Be the person He finds faithful. Keep believing, keep praying, keep obeying and stay the course because He is leading you in the path of victory!

Prayer for Today:

Father, thank You for leading and guiding me in paths of righteousness for Your name’s sake. I choose to trust even when I don’t understand. I choose to believe that You are working behind the scenes for my good. I will stay the course knowing that You have blessing and victory in store for me in Jesus’ name. Amen.

    I sent my dad a text back asking him if it was the devotional that he had received for that day and he said yes. I was in disbelief. All of the abandonment that I had been feeling for the past 2 days disappeared. I chose to let it go and keep believing....again, that Sophie was going to be healed. I let the doubt that had crept in, creep back out and I chose to start fresh right there in my kitchen. 

    Pastor Joe said it best,"We will take that as an opportunity to pray specifically for that everyday for the next four months." I am asking all of you to join us in prayer, every single day for the next four months that Sophie's left pulmonary artery is going to be completely healed and there won't be a need for another heart cath. In Jesus name, Amen!

Retard - By Definition

re·tard

[ri-tahrd, for 1–3, 5; ree-tahrd for 4] Show IPA

verb (used with object)

1.

to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

verb (used without object)

2.

to be delayed.

 

: slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress 

 

Just wanted you all to be aware of what retard really means. It doesn't mean:

 

It doesn't mean stupid

It isn't a way to describe an object that doesn't do what you want it to do

It isn't a person whose ideas you don't agree with

It isn't some slang word that has no effect on someone

 

 

What it really is, by definition...My Daughter. 

 

Think before you speak and make sure you aren't speaking to me or around me when you decide to use that word.

 

***I am not speaking to you directly, just those people who use it as part of their every day language. 

 

I challenge all of you to make a difference as well and take the "retard" word out of their vocabulary. If offends you, tell them! Not stand by and let it happen. 

Couldn't have written it better!

I can't take credit for this one at all. A dear friend of mine sent this to me and it made her think of Sophie and I. I just wanted to share.

To the Me of Ten Years Ago

You…yes you, holding that sweet baby girl in the plaid dress.  Let’s chat.
You don’t know it yet, but that sweet baby girl has a secret.  One that will slowly and not completely reveal itself over the next few years.

It’s going to break your heart.  Repeatedly.
But I promise you, it will be okay.
No.  Really.

Sure, you’ll need therapy.  And you’ll get a bottle of Prozac with that therapy.  It’ll help.  It will help you crawl out of the big cloud of overwhelmedness you will feel for a year or so. But you won’t need them forever.

That baby girl’s going to keep you up at night – literally and figuratively.  You will worry over her like no other child has made you worry.  I’ll be honest, you’ll never get over that worry, but it won’t haunt you constantly.

One by one, you’re going to give up on the dreams you had for this baby girl.  The ones of her going to school, going to college, what she could be as an adult.  The furthest ones will fade first.  For a while, you live in the moment.  Eventually, you allow yourself to think a couple of years ahead tops.  Oh, you will plan for her long-term, but in the most generic of ways.  Inheritances.  Guardians.  You even ponder the idea of a group home.  But mostly, you don’t think of those things.  You just take it a few days at a time.  It’s just easier that way.

You will meet all sorts of people because of this child, and their true selves will be revealed.  You’ll learn that some people just suck, some people mean well but should keep their mouths shut, some people are kind but sometimes clueless to what you’re going through.  But you’ll learn that most people, at heart, are good.  This child will help restore your faith in mankind again, and again, and again, just in how they treat her.

You will spend the next nine years wondering how you ended up the parent of a special needs child.  You kind of get used to it, but at the same time, you will never get used to it.  It will be this feeling of constant surprise when you sit back and think about it.  How did I get here?  How did this happen?
No, you will never quite get used to it, no matter how much you do accept it.
You will learn to be a fighter.  You will find strength you never realized you had and overcome your fear of confrontation.  You do this because not doing this is not an option.  That baby girl needs you to be this way. And you’re not about to let that girl down.

You will find that those three amazing kids you had before her?  Are even more amazing than you could imagine.  They will show compassion and understanding beyond their years which will make you proud.

But those three will have to put up with so much because of their sister.  Hours in waiting rooms, stuff broken by her, my inability to multi-task and spread my attention to everyone evenly.  Your heart will break for them, that at a young age, they will realize that they will someday inherit this sister.    But once again, these three kids will amaze you, for they will never resent that little sister.  Be annoyed by her?  Oh sure.  But in normal ways.  Those three little children who would hover around Maura’s bassinet and announce every time she cried will continue to look out after her over the coming years.  They will let you know that you’ve done at least one or two things right.
That little baby girl?  Is going to work so very hard the next ten years to learn things.  Slowly, but surely, she will learn things.   I promise you, she will walk, she will get there.  She will talk too – not great, but enough.  Can’t promise you on the toilet training, but don’t give up, she should get there.
You can’t tell right now, but that baby girl’s brain?  Is going to freak out on her.  She will be diagnosed with epilepsy.  It will freak you out at first.  I promise, promise that it will be okay.  It will not stop her from anything.  In fact, you’ll find out that things will improve for her after the diagnosis and starting medication.  It will quickly go from something scary to something to be oddly grateful for.  And then it will just become something that you all will be able to live with.  Yes, that thing that will be on top of your “Big Scary Things I Don’t Want My Child to Have” list will suddenly be not that scary.

I promise that.

Speaking of medical things, your days of never seeing the pediatrician because your kids are so dang healthy?  Those are over.  You will get frequent flyer miles at the doctor’s office.  You will collect cards of all sorts of medical professionals.  You will learn which blood lab does the best blood draws on children.  You will be able to write things like “epicanthal folds” and “oxcarbazepine” without thinking.  You will also know that as much as you’re dealing with, you’re grateful that is all you are dealing with.  Because there could be more, it could be worse.

Your back is going to spasm out from carrying that child around so much. You’ll end up with tennis elbow from lifting her as a seven year old into her car seat.  You will put on weight from stress eating.  You will lose your mind a little.

It’ll be okay.

Your world will revolve around poop.  Your friends may think you talk about it too much.  They will have no idea just how much you could speak of it.  Don’t worry though, you will discover a small group of other moms obsessed over bowel movements.  And you will be able to over-share with them.

Your life is not going to go as you had vaguely planned it.  It’s going to veer off in a new direction.  People will link you to the heartwarming tale “Welcome to Holland”.  You will hate it.  That’s okay.  You’re allowed to hate it.

You will find out that there are cliques even in the special needs community.  So you’ll start your own damn support group.  It’ll be called “Who wants to get coffee with me?”  It will be great.
You will learn to view adults with special needs in a whole new light.  You will see a man in his 50′s happily buying a coloring book and it will make you think of your daughter.  You will not cry in the store, but later on, there will be some tears.

You will feel so very alone with this child at times.  Sometimes, at home, at night, other times, in the middle of a crowd.  You will feel a cold wave of loneliness that you’re certain no one else will ever really understand.

You will feel jealousy, of other people and their children who are developing normally.  Of their seemingly placid lives that don’t involved fighting schools and doctor visits and poop.

Just remember, you were raised to not whine about things and deal.  And you do.  You will suck it up and deal with it as best you can.  And you will do so with a smile on your face.  Because crying is never an option.

Well, most of the time.

You will write and blog about this child, and her life.  And in doing so, find a whole slew of people out there who say “Wow!  I live this too!” and “Thank you for writing exactly how I feel!”  Somehow, you will become a voice for others and you’ll realize that you’re completely inadequate when it comes to saying “thank you” and still are lousy at accepting compliments.  Work on that, okay?

You will discover that while you never expected to be a special needs parent, you will end up a bit of an advocate for special needs children.  You will wonder more than once how you ended up on top of a soapbox.  Don’t worry, you’ll be okay up there.

You will learn that the guy you chose to marry ten years before?  Good choice.  That man will be the one helping you pick up the pieces when you shatter, will love that baby girl as much as any other child, will take care of life when you can’t, and will still find you sexy even after all that stress-eating weight gain.

It’s going to be the proverbial emotional roller coaster, these next ten years.  You’ll have moments where you’re feeling so high, only to crash back down. 

But know this -
You will grow.
You will amaze yourself.
You will let go of fears.
You will embrace the now.
And you will love this amazing, beautiful happy child so much, it will hurt.  And you will be okay with that.

Oh, and that straight hair?  Is going to start to curl.  Go figure.

Blog Post by Phoebe Holmes

Posts Like This

On any given day I do believe that I have come to terms with Sophie having MWS. Don't get me wrong, it truly sucks and if I could change it, I would. I have just learned to accept it.

When I read posts like this one, it takes me back to a very real, sad place. These types of things are the things that I looked forward to once I was told that I was having a little girl. I so badly want to be able to do every one of these things with Sophie, for Sophie, but that was all taken away from me. Instead of looking forward to these things, I am now grieving them and this grief process is going to take the rest of my life to get through.

Please, all of you moms to little girls out there. I beg of you, do all of these things and don't take a single one for granted!

25 RULES FOR MOTHERS OF DAUGHTERS

1. Paint her nails. Then let her scratch it off and dirty them up. Teach her to care about her appearance, and then quickly remind her that living and having fun is most important.

2. Let her put on your makeup, even if it means bright-red-smudged lips and streaked-blue eyes. Let her experiment in her attempts to be like you…then let her be herself.

3. Let her be wild. She may want to stay home and read books on the couch, or she may want to hop on the back of a motorcycle-gasp. She may be a homebody or a traveler. She may fall in love with the wrong boy, or meet mr. right at age 5. Try to remember that you were her age once. Everyone makes mistakes, let her make her own.

4. Be present. Be there for her at her Kindergarten performances, her dance recitals, her soccer games…her everyday-little-moments. When she looks through the crowds of people, she will be looking for your smile and pride. Show it to her as often as possible.

5. Encourage her to try on your shoes and play dress-up. If she would rather wear her brother’s superman cape with high heals, allow it. If she wants to wear a tutu or dinosaur costume to the grocery store, why stop her? She needs to decide who she is and be confident in her decision.

6. Teach her to be independent. Show her by example that woman can be strong. Find and follow your own passions. Search for outlets of expression and enjoyment for yourself- not just your husband or children. Define yourself by your own attributes, not by what others expect you to be. Know who you are as a person, and help your daughter find out who she is.

7. Pick flowers with her. Put them in her hair. There is nothing more beautiful than a girl and a flower.

8. Let her get messy. Get messy with her, no matter how much it makes you cringe inside. Splash in the puddles, throw snowballs, make mud pies, finger paint the walls: just let it happen. The most wonderful of memories are often the messy ones.

9. Give her good role models- you being one of them. Introduce her to successful woman- friends, co-workers, doctors, astronauts, or authors. Read to her about influential woman- Eleanor Roosevelt, Rosa Parks, Marie Curie. Read her the words of inspirational woman- Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson. She should know that anything is possible.

10. Show her affection. Daughters will mimic the compassion of their mother. “I love yous” and Eskimo kisses go a long way.

11. Hold her hand. Whether she is 3 years-old in the parking lot or sixteen years old in the mall, hold on to her always- this will teach her to be confident in herself and proud of her family.

12. Believe in her. It is the moments that she does not believe in herself that she will need you to believe enough for both of you. Whether it is a spelling test in the first grade, a big game or recital, a first date, or the first day of college…remind her of the independent and capable woman you have taught her to be.

13. Tell her how beautiful she is. Whether it is her first day of Kindergarten, immediately after a soccer game where she is grass-stained and sweaty, or her wedding day. She needs your reminders. She needs your pride. She needs your reassurance. She is only human.

14. Love her father. Teach her to love a good man, like him. One who lets her be herself…she is after all wonderful.

15. Make forts with boxes and blankets. Help her to find magic in the ordinary, to imagine, to create and to believe in fairy tales. Someday she will make her 5 by 5 dorm-room her home with magic touches and inspiration. And she will fall in love with a boy and believe him to be Prince Charming.

16. Read to her. Read her Dr. Seuss and Eric Carle. But also remember the power of Sylvia Plath and Robert Frost. Show her the beauty of words on a page and let her see you enjoy them. Words can be simply written and simply spoken, yet can harvest so much meaning. Help her to find their meaning.

17. Teach her how to love- with passion and kisses. Love her passionately. Love her father passionately and her siblings passionately. Express your love. Show her how to love with no restraint. Let her get her heart broken and try again. Let her cry, and gush, giggle and scream. She will love like you love or hate like you hate. So, choose love for both you and her.

18. Encourage her to dance and sing. Dance and sing with her- even if it sounds or looks horrible. Let her wiggle to nursery rhymes. Let her dance on her daddy's feet and spin in your arms. Then later, let her blast noise and headbang in her bedroom with her door shut if she wants. Or karaoke to Tom Petty in the living room if she would rather. Introduce her to the classics- like The Beatles- and listen to her latest favorite- like Taylor Swift. Share the magic of music together, it will bring you closer- or at least create a soundtrack to your life together.

19. Share secrets together. Communicate. Talk. Talk about anything. Let her tell you about boys, friends, school. Listen. Ask questions. Share dreams, hopes, concerns. She is not only your daughter, you are not only her mother. Be her friend too.

20. Teach her manners. Because sometimes you have to be her mother, not just her friend. The world is a happier place when made up of polite words and smiles.

21. Teach her when to stand-up and when to walk away. Whether she has classmates who tease her because of her glasses, or a boyfriend who tells her she is too fat - let her know she does not have to listen. Make sure she knows how to demand respect - she is worthy of it. It does not mean she has to fight back with fists or words, because sometimes you say more with silence. Also make sure she knows which battles are worth fighting. Remind her that some people can be mean and nasty because of jealousy, or other personal reasons. Help her to understand when to shut her mouth and walk-away. Teach her to be the better person.

22. Let her choose who she loves. Even when you see through the charming boy she thinks he is, let her love him without your disapproving words; she will anyway. When he breaks her heart, be there for her with words of support rather than I told-you-so. Let her mess up again and again until she finds the one. And when she finds the one, tell her.

23. Mother her. Being a mother - to her - is undoubtedly one of your greatest accomplishments. Share with her the joys of motherhood, so one day she will want to be a mother too. Remind her over and over again with words and kisses that no one will ever love her like you love her. No one can replace or replicate a mother's love for their children.

24. Comfort her. Because sometimes you just need your mommy. When she is sick, rub her back, make her soup and cover her in blankets - no matter how old she is. Someday, if she is giving birth to her own child, push her hair out of her face, encourage her, and tell her how beautiful she is. These are the moments she will remember you for. And someday when her husband rubs her back in attempt to comfort her...she may just whisper, "I need my mommy."

25. Be home. When she is sick with a cold or broken heart, she will come to you; welcome her. When she is engaged or pregnant, she will run to you to share her news; embrace her. When she is lost or confused, she will search for you; find her. When she needs advice on boys, schools, friends or an outfit; tell her. She is your daughter and will always need a safe harbor - where she can turn a key to see comforting eyes and a familiar smile; be home.

Thankful for my children....all 4 of them.

As I am trying to research as much as I can about the doctor in PA that is performing after-birth abortions, I am finiding it more and more difficult to research. Not because I can't handle the heart wrenching, make you want to vomit details, but because of how people think it is ok to kill a baby just because it isn't perfect.

When I am reading these articles I can't help think of Sophie, Denton & Quniton, and even Shane. Here is a little recap of my twins and Shane's beginning, just for reference.

Shane was born at 26.5 weeks gestation. His mother went in to pre-eclaympsia (sp?) and had to have an emergency c-section. Shane was in the hospital for 3 months and on oxygen when he came home for another 3 months. An entire side of Shane's face was sunken in and he only weighed a little over 2lbs. He fit inside of Dan's baseball cap.

Denton and Quinton were born at 21 weeks 3 days gestation. Denton weighed a whopping 15 ounces and Quinton weighed in at 8.4 ounces. A week before I went in to labor with D & Q we were asked to have an abortion. We were told that it was what needed to be done because the boys didn't have a chance of survival once they were here. Dan and I both told the high risk doctor that it wasn't an option for us and we wanted to know what other options we had. Obviously we continued our pregnancy as long as God allowed us to and the boys were born extremely early. Denton lived for 17 minutes and never took a breath. Some doctors would say he wasn't viable. Quinton had severe physical disabilities which made him be stillborn and incompatible with life.


Thinking of every single one of my children I can help but fight back the tears because everything that I have read suggests that my babies weren't "actual people" and therefore if I want to have them killed after I deliver them, then it shouldn't be a problem. It is so hard for me to  fathom that a mother can make this choice, as if it should be a choice that one is allowed to make. Given what the "experts" are saying, my children, except for Sophie, would have been great candidates for the after-birth abortion because they were born with imperfections. That absolutely breaks my heart and fills me with rage at the same time.

Then there is Sophie. At first sight she was a completely healthy baby girl weighing 7lbs 11 oz and 21" long born at 38.5 weeks gestation = full term. She doesn't fall in to the category of the imperfect babies...at first glance, but if I determined that I didn't want her because it would too much of an economical burden for me, then some people think it is ok for me to have her killed when she was born.

 PEOPLE......CONDOMS AND BIRTH CONTROL ARE FREE!!!!!!!

 Today, Shane is a perfectly healthy 12 year old young man. He is handsome, smart, funny, caring, and full of vigor! The doctors say that you couldn't ask for better vision in a child. Shane has absolutely NO side affects from being born so early. He is truly a miracle! Sophie has had her challenges, but today, she is a healthy, spunky, spoiled little 2 year old who tugs at my heart strings daily.

To the people who think that after-birth abortions are ok, you will never get to experience this. You will never see what your child was supposed to be. Newsflash...wait for it....if you buy a car and regret it you can't take it back. If you buy a house and decide it is too much of a financial burden for you, you can't give it back without consequences. Don't think for one second you won't have consequences for killing your baby.

And they say hindsight in 20/20.

A Letter to Heaven

At Tiny Purpose last month we were encouraged to write a letter to our baby or babies in heaven. I was resistant at first, but when I started writing, the ink just flowed from my ball point pen. It is like my heart knew exactly what it wanted to say. As my hand moved across the page so effortlessly, my heart just poured out on paper. It's funny how I can write the words on paper with a smile on my face, but when I read the letter out loud, my voice cracked, my chest was tight, and I had to wipe back tears.

I am sharing this with you so you can see that I am in a good place. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Denton and Quinton in some way. I may tell people verbally that I have 2 children, but in my head and heart, I have 4. I just don't feel like explaining it at times and I am sure they would understand. Some days are harder, some days are easy. Some days I cry, some days I smile.

Denton & Quinton

Can you believe that it has been almost 4 years since I held you in my arms? I think of you daily. Sometimes I am sad and I fight back the tears, other times I smile because you are up in heaven. Speaking of heaven, say hello to your angel friends for me. I am sure you have met them. Aunt Sara, Auntie Sam and many of my friends all have angel babies up there. I’m sure you play together daily, just like your Auntie’s and I do down here.

When I think of you I picture you looking like your older brother, Shane. The tiniest details such as a crooked pinky finger, a unibrow that needs waxed, and the most beautiful complexion with dark skin, all of which I was able to identify on you Denton. Quinton – How does it feel to dance around on your brand new feet that have all your toes, hug people with your perfect arms, see Jesus with your new eyes, and love with the heart God had waiting for you in heaven upon your arrival? I can’t wait to see you as a whole person.

I also want to thank you. Because of you I have been able to meet some pretty amazing people. People who have angels up there with you.  I am positive you know who they are. Just so you know, their moms are just as amazing as their babies are. These moms are some of the strongest women I have been blessed to know.  Thank you for teaching me how to love. Truly love, deeply, passionately, and in the moment. 

I know this may sound odd, but thank you for Sophie. I am sure you and God talk about her often. Maybe He even lets you take part in the amazing plans He has for her. They have to be big plans because of everything your sister has had to endure. Not that it is any surprise to you, but God was faithful in the healing of your sister’s heart! Quinton and Sophie have that in common! If you get the chance, tell God that all I want for Sophie’s birthday is for her to crawl!

In closing know that you are loved. You were wanted, and still wanted. I would give the world to hold you one more time Denton, and for the first time Quinton. Goodbye for now, not forever!

Love,

Mommy

I Won't Let Go

As parents I believe there are so many things that we are supposed to teach our children and things our children are supposed to teach us that goes beyond the birds and the bees, beyond tying their shoes. They are the things that make us good people, things that make waking up every day worth it.

 With Shane I am able to see glimpses of hope that we are doing the right thing when he opens the door for someone, or when we see him be kind to another person. I have confirmation from other parents that Shane is a fantastic boy, so respectful, and well behaved. Those are the moments I don't want to let go of. Those are the times that I have a smile on my face and on the inside I am giving high fives to my husband and myself because, yes, we are doing the right things. Yes, Shane is going to be a terror at home sometimes. He is going to get in trouble at school and at home. We struggle with him making poor decisions, but isn't that what living and learning is all about? The growing pains that lets us know we are human?

With Sophie, it is different. I can try to teach her everything I know about life, but unlike Shane, I won't have that same confirmation with Sophie that she gets it. With Sophie the teaching will be more systematic, ordered (not my favorite way to do things), well planned. We will have to do things over and over with her, just so she learns how to do it. Will Sophie ever learn to tie her shoes? I don't have the answer to that. What I can say though is that I won't stop trying. Will I get to see my daughter grow in to this beautiful person, a person that cares about the world she lives in, and the people she shares the planet with? Yes, I will be able to see her grow in to a beautiful woman, but I may not be able to see the tell tale signs like I can with Shane.

In this life there the only 2 things I want my kids to not only know, but to fully understand and never forget. First and foremost, Shane and Sophie, you will always be loved. There is nothing you can do to make your father and I not love you. You can try, and I am sure you will try, but our loves remains constant. Shane has asked me on several occasions when he has done something less than satisfactory or he knows he really messed up, if I still love him. The answer is always the same, Yes! I believe that this is the most important for my kids to understand.

The 2nd is expressed in these song lyrics. I can't listen to this song without tearing up. For Shane, there are going to be times he doesn't want me to fight his fights. With Sophie, I am always going to have to fight her fights. But I promise you, I Won't Let Go!

It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight

And I wont let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont
Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go Lyrics